I've been through a lot in my life. I've survived a lot!
I grew up with an alcoholic father who was verbally and emotionally abusive to me and all that plus physically abusive to my mother. I can remember sitting in my room as a child and just crying and crying wishing I could disappear. I had no control. I was helpless. In my head though... in my dreams I had hope. I knew one day I'd grow up and could move far far away from it all... and I did.
I got pregnant young and married an abusive man. Again all control of my life was taken away from me. I was afraid to speak or hell even breathe for fear of being hit. I was isolated from family and friends 2 hours away... no phone... no neighbors. He could do whatever he wanted to do. In my head though... I had hope. I knew one day I'd make an escape... and I did.
I left my ex husband with 2 small kids, a trash bag of clothes, and 20 bucks. We lived in poverty. I didn't know how we'd eat. No matter how hard I worked I couldn't get my head above water. We struggled and now my children were struggling. I didn't feel like I could get it together and make any headway. I'd work and work and then somebody would get sick and I'd lose a job. As a single mom I didn't have anybody to help watch the boys where they couldn't be in daycare. I had no control over that... In my head though... I had hope. I knew one day we'd live a better a life.. and I did.
I met Nick and we got married. I didn't struggle with poverty anymore. I could go shopping and just buy whatever we needed. We had food, clothes, food, heat, food, electricity, food, cable, food, computers... did I mention food? We had 3 more beautiful children and I was free...
Somewhere in all that freedom and grocery shopping I got fat. It's ok. People always say "don't say that about yourself!" I see no benefit in living in denial. I'm fat... that's the truth. I hate it. I hate myself. I can't stand the way my body looks, feels, moves, or acts. I'm always anxious about what people think when they see me. If they
think I'm lazy, a slob, smelly, dirty... We go to an Amusement park and
I'm scared to death I won't fit in a ride seat and all the other people
in line see them tell me I'm too fat. How humiliating would that be? My weight is one thing I have complete control over. I can eat right... work out... drink plenty of water...
...but I don't. After all times in my life I had no control over what was happening or what was going on around me... I had hope. Not this time. The one thing I have control over I feel completely powerless to change.
In my head there is no hope. No dream. No one day... Just fat.
