Powerless

I've been through a lot in my life.  I've survived a lot!

I grew up with an alcoholic father who was verbally and emotionally abusive to me and all that plus physically abusive to my mother.   I can remember sitting in my room as a child and just crying and crying wishing I could disappear.  I had no control.  I was helpless.  In my head though... in my dreams I had hope.  I knew one day I'd grow up and could move far far away from it all... and I did.

I got pregnant young and married an abusive man.  Again all control of my life was taken away from me.  I was afraid to speak or hell even breathe for fear of being hit.  I was isolated from family and friends 2 hours away... no phone... no neighbors.  He could do whatever he wanted to do.  In my head though... I had hope.  I knew one day I'd make an escape... and I did.

I left my ex husband with 2 small kids, a trash bag of clothes, and 20 bucks.  We lived in poverty.  I didn't know how we'd eat.  No matter how hard I worked I couldn't get my head above water.  We struggled and now my children were struggling.  I didn't feel like I could get it together and make any headway.  I'd work and work and then somebody would get sick and I'd lose a job.  As a single mom I didn't have anybody to help watch the boys where they couldn't be in daycare.  I had no control over that... In my head though... I had hope.  I knew one day we'd live a better a life.. and I did.

I met Nick and we got married.  I didn't struggle with poverty anymore.  I could go shopping and just buy whatever we needed.  We had food, clothes, food, heat, food, electricity, food, cable, food, computers... did I mention food?   We had 3 more beautiful children and I was free...

Somewhere in all that freedom and grocery shopping I got fat.  It's ok.  People always say "don't say that about yourself!"  I see no benefit in living in denial.  I'm fat... that's the truth.  I hate it.  I hate myself.   I can't stand the way my body looks, feels, moves, or acts.  I'm always anxious about what people think when they see me.  If they think I'm lazy, a slob, smelly, dirty... We go to an Amusement park and I'm scared to death I won't fit in a ride seat and all the other people in line see them tell me I'm too fat.  How humiliating would that be?  My weight is one thing I have complete control over.  I can eat right... work out... drink plenty of water... 

...but I don't.  After all times in my life I had no control over what was happening or what was going on around me... I had hope.  Not this time.  The one thing I have control over I feel completely powerless to change. 

In my head there is no hope.  No dream. No one day... Just fat.